I am sitting here at my kitchen table to write my thoughts exactly as they come to me, completely unedited. No pausing, no breaks. Just whatever I think. Cup . my camera is on the island. I tried to take a picture but it was awful now I am bored and simply typing my thought. This music that Pandora is play is really pretty (Expression by Helen Jane Long). I changed my shirt for no apparent reason. I think it was because the one I’m wearing now is softer and nice and comfy. Game of thrones, Sean Bean. Sean Bean is fucking awesome in that show. The show itself isn’t all that great. It’s entertaining, but no Walking Dead. But Sean Bean delivers an incredible performance as Lord Eddard Stark. I really want a dire wolf as a pet like his children have in that show. Wolves have always been my favorite animal. I think it’s because their like a dog but so much more badass. I haven’t had good coffee in a very long time. I think I’ll actually wake up on time tomorrow and make myself some. But if dragons existed I would love that. I want green tea. But I can’t get any, I have to stay at this cpu and type. Type my thoughts. This is the most disjointed rambling of nonsense I have ever recorded. I wonder how long I’ll continue like this? How long will it take me to get bored? Is it possible to get bored, I mean I’m just sitting down with my thoughts and recording them. I don’t think I’ll ever get bored of my own thoughts. I’m pretty sure it’s impossible. “you don’t take a photograph, you make a photograph” – Ansel Adams. He was so fucking incredible. And he had quite a stylish beard. Why am I using “fuck” as an adjective so much? I usually don’t. Maybe it’s because I’m really tense. School is really trying lately. Most people are such an irritation. Would anyone really care if I left? Probably not. I’m mostly an afterthought. Mostly because I don’t fit in with the emotional crowd. Back to “fuck”. Why am I saying it? Well for one it just feels good. Fuckfuckfuck. There’s such a release. Not necessarily of anger, but of pent up emotions in general. Mark Z Daniel….. no that’s a bad example, he’s talking about anger. I’m talking more about frustration. This keyboard is actually very nice. I like it. I wish I hadn’t dropped my iPod. Twice. Whoah! Genius idea. This could totally be therapy. Just sit patients down and have them write. Or type. Whichever they prefer. And analyze it. It would be so much easier than asking them questions about repressed emotions and shit like that. All that psycho babble amounts to nothing in the end. This is actually very relaxing and calming. Maybe I’ll start doing it more often. I think it would help sort the shit out in my life. People like to ask me “whats wrong?” Canon is such a quality company. So much easier to use than Nikon. I wish I had mucho monies. I would buy so much equipment. And jeans. I would buy expensive jeans. And boots. Johnston & Murphy all the way. I’d be a stylish guy. Environmental science would be awesome. I can’t keep up with my thoughts, my fingers are too slow. Slow down brain. My senior project. NO ENDING! That’s a problem. Three acts/stages? 1. Photographs depicting motion and the ever changing world. Photographs that makes the viewer feel lost. Insignificant. 2. Short film. Echoes stage 1. Man feels lost in the ever changing, ever moving, world where things die and are lost immediately and nothing matters. 3. Be still and know that I am God. Show God as the steady, unchanging firm foundation that he is. Show that through his unchanging nature, we have a purpose that lasts. Sounds pretty awesome to me. Now to actually get it to work. I’m thirsty. But I’m addicted to this. I don’t want to stop. I don’t think that I will very soon. I could keep at this for a very long time. I will have to stop eventually though. But this is very healthy I think. What movie are my parents watching? Something old with Nazis I think. Maybe not. I can only see it through the reflection and I cant hear it because of my music. My back hurts. Stanley insulated mug. Your lonely aren’t you? No coffee has been inside of you for a very long time. I promise that sometime soon. You will be impregnated with a beverage so delicious that you will not want it to leave your stainless steel cavity. But my lips will remove it. That was really fucked up. Why on earth would I mentally speak to my mug? And why would I speak to it like that? I’m a weird kid. But that’s ok with me. I yam what I yam – Popeye the Sailorman. There’s a scene in iron man where rhodey is talking to tony stark about how Popeye could have been more than what he was, but he was too apathetic to step up to the plate and be it. I think that might be over analyzing a childrens cartoon. But maybe not. TV shows are trying to teach kids things. But if Popeye was trying to teach anything, I think he was trying to teach kids to be true to themselves, not to settle for less than what they could be. My phone is scratched, my ipod is cracked. I am hard on my electronics. Death Cab for Cutie. Gonna skip it. Also skipped the weezies and some Hispanic guy. Electric president is now playing” ……and the moons just a torn fingernail as the tv flickers kfjkdsh by the wall and my jkdfhi waiting to fade…. It’s so damn slow” I can’t really understand him a lot, hence the gibberish. But he’s so relaxing. And what I do understand is very good. Wow, my mind literally went blank. I was thinking absolutely nothing for about 5 seconds. I thought you were always thinking something but I guess not. The spirals on my cup are kind of feminine, but that’s ok, because it’s big and holds much green tea for my sustenance and I appreciate it’s act of service to my needs for caffeine and unparalleled deliciousness. It does it’s job well. It kinda sucks that JoePa is dead now. It was so sudden. It was announced that he had cancer only a few weeks ago. They shouldn’t have treated him. He would have lived longer without the aggressive treatment that ended up killing him. DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE! Get off of my fucking Radical Face station. You’re a perfectly decent band, but you don’t belong there. Almost but not quite. Switching to Dum Dum Girls. Fucking advertisements. [name1] is following me on Pinterest. Cool. That’s [name2]’s cousin if I’m not mistaken. And let’s be honest, I’m usually not. This music is good but not the right mood. Switching to Jessica Lea Mayfield. This is it. This is what I need. I could listen to this voice for hours. I probably will. Oh wait, it’s Pandora. Next son will be someone else. Fuck. Can’t edit. Can’t edit. Do not edit Paul Spang. It doesn’t matter if you sound like a complete imbecile. Be honest about your thoughts. Wow this is getting long. I didn’t know I could write this much at one time. And I’m still thirsty. But I don’t want to move. Fine I’m getting a drink because I’m going to get dehydrated and end up in the hospital. I don’t want to buy a fucking droid! Go away advertisements. Ok, time for that drink.
That drink tasted so good. This could totally be an assignment for health. Under the whole mental health thing. But I wouldn’t want to turn in my unedited thoughts to any of the staff at [high school]. [name3] would want to have a nice long talk with me after reading this. He would want to talk about how “interesting” some of the statements are and try to play psychologist and life counselor like he did earlier today. That was so fucking annoying. I had to write my Cost of Discipleship journals and he wanted to talk about my relationship with my father. And how to reconcile it. My relationship with my father is just fine thank you. You don’t actually know me you fat prick. Get the hell out of my fucking life. You’re my principal, not my counselor; I don’t know why you like to confuse those so much. They are very, very, very different. But then again, you talk about losing weight while eating donuts so I don’t really expect you to understand all that much. Sorry about the whole fat prick comment, that was out of line. But the rest stands. “Here I stand, I can say no other” – Luther. I really wish I was 21. The drinking age should be 18. I mean, seriously, I’m legally an adult, but I’m actually a restricted adult. I guess that’s a good thing though. I wouldn’t want to be totally independent right now, but I want to drink. Not get drunk, just have a glass of wine, have a beer with friends. That would be nice. Alcohol just tastes really, really good. But my father had problems with drinking in college, maybe that means I would too….. I want to build my house. I want to buy a plot of land, cut down the trees and build my house. Only then would it truly be mine. Only then would I truly possess it. Sure, I could buy a house, but it would only be mine legally. In order to have a true sense of ownership, you must spend a significant amount of time living in it and making it your own, or build as your own in the first place. Plus, I would get a huge sense of accomplishment from doing that. Hosting a party, someone would say, “That staircase is awesome!” and I would say, “Yeah, I built it. Nbd.” And they would be speechlessly in awe of me. Or so I imagine. As awesome as my parents are, they’re also sort of a ball and chain keeping me cooped up in this house. I can’t wait to get out. To make decisions for myself. To be my own man. Green tea tastes so fucking good. There I go again. Using fuck as an adjective. I’m not sure why I’m doing it so much right now. Sometimes, you just need to say fuck. I raise my pinky when I drink. I’m not sure why, but my dad does it too and I didn’t even know that until someone pointed out that we both do it. I think I’m going to stop halfway through this page. Not for any particular reason other than I am tired of typing. I’ve written quite a lot and a lot of it is nonsense, but a lot is useful I think. I wish that picture had worked earlier. Is my camera off? I think it is. Not that it matters, it’s in a low energy state even if it’s on. Both my lens caps are in front of me. Obama is speaking, people are clapping. This song is very sad sounding. “I’m restless till I die.” Sounds like how I feel right now. During the day I can relax pretty easily, but after 9:00 I get extremely restless which is really inconvenient because I want to sleep! Fuck. I can’t sleep. Insomnia? That’s a good song by Electric President. I think I’ll eat cereal pretty soon. After this page I’ll eat cereal. I’m going to finish this page? I guess so. I guess I just decided to. Not that it’s hard mentally to think of what to type, you just type, but my fingers don’t want to type anymore. They are begging for a reprieve from this tiresome task. Chugged half a glass of green tea. Tasted like an orgasm of taste buds. Oh shit. D Group tomorrow and I have no money. But I just got paid. I have a cheque. What!?!?! Word just told me that cheque was spelled wrong. Fucking American-English. Colour. It says that’s spelled wrong as well. I guess we are simply rejecting the British way of spelling things. Centre. Apparently centre is fine though. But not the second time….. even though I spelled them the same way. What the fuck…… I guess it wants me to write check. Which is an extremely dull way to spell the word and I still contend that it is wrong. Check is what you do when you want to be sure of something. Cheque is a piece of paper signifying a money transfer. But whatever, MS Word. Do want you want. Put red lines all over this entire fucking page. I’m spelling it the it’s meant to be spelled: cheque. Fuck you MS Word. Fuck you. Maybe I’ll switch to Ubuntu. Nobody would write a virus for Linux anyway. That would just be an awful thing to do. Writing a virus for a free open source operating system….. I think that would automatically send you to hell. But only after being brutally murdered. I am drawing near to the end. The end of the page. And the end of the page symbolizes the end of my writing. Except it doesn’t symbolize the end of my writing, it is the end of my writing. Why did HBO decide to have people say fuck in Game of Thrones? It sounds so out of place within the medieval-like fantasy setting. It was simply lazy writing, but that’s my only complaint. Oh, and the gratuitous sex. Unnecessary. But the show is overall entertaining and well made. I can’t complain. But The Walking Dead starts up again soon. Which is going to be AWESOME. February 12. I know where I’ll be, I decided that I’m not allowed to decide when to stop I must stop when I reach 3 pages, even if it’s in mid sentence. That way I’m not subconsciously anticipating it and planning an ending. My back is hurting again and this song is very good. Jessica Lea Mayfield can always be counted on to deliver
